I waited in the starting pen of this race as relaxed and calmly certain of things as I'd ever been at the start of a marathon. One of my certainties was that I was not going to break four hours this time, I'd had too much disruption due to illness and injury over the previous eight weeks and my fitness was just not up to it. I was also certain that for the first time I was going to run the marathon distance without fear or restriction. An introspective soul-search of what I enjoyed about running had resulted in a light-bulb moment in which I realised how conservatively I have been approaching my running, particularly at the marathon distance. I've been either leaving too much in reserve so that I finish the race flying but with a time much slower than I should be capable of doing, or I've been trying to hold a nice steady pace that brings me in at target time. Either running with fear of running out of fuel too early or governed, restricted and controlled by my watch and anxious about hitting target pace for every single mile.
Inspired by tales of the awesome Traviss Willcox's fearless exploits in recent marathons and ultras and encouraged by my own thoughts about being too conservative I had decided not to worry at all about my lack of training, accept my fitness for what it currently is and just go for it. In preparation I had run the Windsor half-marathon by setting out much too fast, quite consciously, in an effort to get used to being a bit braver in races and, despite going dizzy by mile ten and badly running out of energy, I really enjoyed the liberation of running a 'daft' race. Following that run I settled on my strategy for Munich; run at a comfortable pace until 10k, thereafter just go for it at the best pace I can maintain accepting that I will seize up miles before the finish, when I reach the point at which I have to stop, smile, consult my watch to see where I am and get home from there as best I can.
On getting back to the hotel after collecting my pack from the expo and examining the course profile I realised that from the 10k point it was gently uphill for a few kilometres. Rather than let this worry me I decided that it was as good a point as any to start the process of knackering myself and if it meant grinding to a halt a little earlier then so be it, I was very happy to accept that likely eventuality.
As a result of knowing I was going to go too fast too early in the race I was really relaxed and excited about it, rather than fearing the point at which things were going to get tough I was looking forward to it and interested to see how things went. This relaxed state made waiting for the start a real pleasure, enjoying the bustle, anticipation and mounting excitement of those all around. The following photo conveys the way I was feeling quite well...
Deciding to keep things sensible for 10k was an acknowledgement of my current fitness level, rather than fear, and made the early part of the race very enjoyable, there was no need to be constantly checking my watch, fretting about speeding up and avoiding crowds or holding myself back. I was able to take in the sights, have brief conversations with fellow runners and just go with the flow.
By the time I reached the 10k point, though, I was more than ready to start running properly. Sure enough the gradient picked up immediately but throwing caution aside and continually looking to pick off individuals or groups of runners made the slightly more testing nature irrelevant. I completely missed the next two kilometre markers and was surprised to see the 13k sign when I was fully expecting 11k. I was really enjoying myself!
Obviously that sort of rapid progress wouldn't last and by 17k I was starting to feel increasingly tired. At this point a young lad pulled alongside and spoke to me in German, I asked him if he was able to speak English and he enquired as to what time I was aiming for. I told him that I didn't have anything in mind, I was just running by feel. He explained that he had been following me for six or seven kilometres,
being drawn along by my bouncing dreadlocks!
Another man then said "He is going at double F pace" in a strong German accent, his compatriot asked what that meant, "fucking fast!" came the reply causing us both to laugh out loud. My reduction in pace was obvious by this stage as both passed me and eased off into the distance.
I was mentally challenging myself to keep the pace as high as possible until the 20k point. Official splits show 57:48 and 53:33 for the first two 10k sections, which reflects the largely uphill nature of the second split as well as my distinct slowing as I approached halfway.
From that point I tired quickly and my mile splits show a drop from 8:30 to 9:00 and then 9:30 over the course of a six mile section, however, I reached 28k before grinding to a complete stop. At this point I looked at my watch for the first time to see it reading 2:45:xx. 9 miles to go and if I could maintain 10 minute miles I'd be looking at a 4:15 finish, which would be my second fastest ever. On the basis of the build up I'd been through that would be a pleasing result. The remainder of the race was a case of keeping moving forwards by either a slow jog or the occasional walk for a minute or so. By the 40k point I knew I wasn't going to achieve 4:15 but it was still a possibility that I could beat my second best time of 4:18:01. The official splits show that I reached the 2k to go point at 4:06:29, I really put some effort into the final part of the race, and sprinted as best I could into the Olympic stadium, reaching 7:42 pace for the final half mile but came home in 4:18:10.
I gathered myself after the final effort, went through the medal collection area and was confronted by the upsetting sight of a middle-aged man in a bad way, laid supine and lifeless having CPR performed as medics darted back and forth. I queued for an alcohol-free beer and then plonked myself down on the football pitch at the centre of the stadium, reflecting on the fragility of life, the 1972 Olympic massacre, the 1974 world cup final and marathon running in a confused stream of consciousness.
On reflection I am very pleased with the way this event went. Up until this point I would have run the race very conservatively, allowing myself to finish strongly probably with a time twenty minutes or so longer, however, I think I got close to the best time I was capable of achieving in the circumstances. I am looking forward to testing the running without fear strategy when my fitness is at a better level. I'm quite tempted to aim for a 1:45 first half and see where I get to from there!
13th October 2013 Munich 4:18:10 #21
On the drive to Bletchley I was confronted with a heron struggling to stand upright in the road. Not a good idea on the M1. I managed to avoid hitting the poor creature but don't imagine it survived too much longer after I swerved past. The image returned to me several times later that day as I went through my own struggles to stand upright while attempting to complete a marathon.
My plan for the weekend double was to try a run for 25 minutes, walk for five minutes strategy on both days so that I didn't completely tire myself for the ongoing Munich training and also so that I could directly compare the two days in order to gauge the effect of longer runs. I wasn't feeling 100% at the start but have been through that before and usually feel better after a mile or so. However, on this occasion things started to feel tough quite soon, particularly considering that I was taking it easy.
My legs were tightening up rapidly and by mile 20 the vague dizziness had become full on head spinning and my hearing was muffled, as if both ears had filled with water.
During lap six of the seven I decided that I couldn't finish and had started to climb the steps up to the flyover in order to double back to the start/finish area and give up. Luckily I decided to turn round and continue but my progress on that lap was stilted as I had to sit down every 500m or so. I was really touched by the compassion shown by my fellow runners, offering their own supplies of drink, food and pain killers to get me through, halting their own progress to ensure my safety. Despite all the encouragement I had decided that lap six would be my last and resolved to pull out at the final aid station. I was then caught by my fantastically positive friend Kate shortly before the end of the lap, and in her usual forthright way she informed me that if I dare think about not finishing she would 'kick my arse'! This was enough to make me re-think things and at the aid station my partner Mandy and another friend, Emily, were brilliant, setting me up for the final three and a half miles.
I was stumbling through this final lap when I drew level with another competitor struggling to finish. Fiona and I struck up a conversation and agreed to assist one another to the finish line with encouragement and tales of suffering during previous events. As a regular ultra-runner she had some great stories to tell. The effect was brilliant, we chatted away and whereas the previous lap had felt as if my legs were seized-up and energy almost entirely depleted, I was at least able to maintain forward progress, it was pretty slow but 15 minute miles were far preferable to the 20 minute miles of the previous lap. Again, it was remarkable the difference made by taking my mind away from the pain of the moment and reinforced to me the power of the body to continue in testing times.
That evening I was unsure whether to start the following day but happened to bump into Fiona again, and she was having similar doubts and so agreed that we'd both give it a go. I was certainly not feeling great overnight and it was with a fair amount of trepidation that I started day two. Within the first mile I knew it was going to be tougher than day one and by the end of the first lap I had been forced to make a slightly panicked dash to the toilet. During lap two I threw-up a couple of times, and again on laps three and four. However during lap four I started to feel slightly better and asked Mandy to get me a pint of beer for the next time round which I knocked back in quick time and started to feel much better. This was strange as I hardly touch alcohol anymore as it tends not to agree with me these days, but somehow that's what I felt I needed at that time.
Starting off my penultimate lap in much better spirits I drew level with Emily, who had been so helpful to me towards the end of day one. She explained that she was wanting to put in a fast lap as she had a train and ferry to catch. This was a great incentive and so, chatting as we went, we slowly increased the pace and even managed to register a 9.30 for her final mile, ensuring she was in plenty of time for her connection and even achieving a course PB for her!
The final lap was easy and I even managed to run my final mile at target marathon pace which I would not have thought possible at any point during the weekend given the way I had felt but again says something about the powers of recovery of the human body.
These two events were a real test of endurance, and cliched though it may be, finishing them truly was a victory for me. If I had gone through with my brief intention to retire from the race on day one I would not have started day two and my marathon record would be missing two very unremarkable finish times. But secured in those finishes is my knowledge that I was able to keep going when it was far easier to give up and also the power that can be drawn from fellow runners. Two people enduring their struggle separately can be burdens to themselves whereas the simple decision share the journey for a while somehow lightens the load for both. I really did get by with (more than) a little help from my friends!
17th August 2013 Enigma Gold Marathon 5:23:00 #19
18th August 2013 Enigma Reverse Marathon 5:24:26 #20
I'm only three weeks into a training plan the aim of which is to get me fit enough to beat four hours at the Munich marathon in October, however, I'm already battling against negative voices in my head which are causing me to question my objectives and methods: do I really want to push myself so hard or would it be better to just enjoy running?
Previously I feel that I've been limited in the volume of miles I'm able to get into my legs prior to a target marathon due to one or two minor health issues along with being somewhat injury-prone. This has been down to a tendency to push myself too hard too soon, not allowing any easier recovery phases in training, combined with a lack of flexibility and balance.
I've addressed the latter issues through regular yoga sessions in a studio heated to 42°C which is gradually improving core strength and ability to cope with heat in addition to my poor flexibility. I've also had physiotherapy to help with persistent achilles tendinopathy and retrocalcaneal bursitis,
and that, along with daily stretching, has got this problem area more under control than it has been. Physically I'm starting from a better point than ever before.
I'm following the Pfitzinger and Douglas 55 miles-per-week plan, in which I have faith,
and am enjoying the build up towards the level of mileage which has always been difficult for me to reach in the past. But despite all these positives I've found that three recent runs have affected me to a surprising extent. About ten days ago I attempted a tempo run which was supposed to comprise of a three mile warm-up, four miles at half-marathon pace and then a mile warm-down. It was a very hot evening and even the warm-up miles felt tough. The tempo miles were awful: 8:22, 8:57, 9:08, 9:03, ranging from about 30 to 70 seconds slower than my best half-marathon pace and with no consistency whatsoever.
It was probably down to the very hot conditions but I was a bit shocked by how tough it felt. The warm-down mile was painful and I was barely moving by the time I got back home.
Yesterday was parkrun day and having completed a couple recently at very slow recovery pace I thought I'd allow myself a comfortably fast effort rather than another slow session as suggested by the plan. I'm happy to be flexible with the plan as adhering strictly can feel restrictive and remove the fun from what should be an enjoyable hobby. It was great! At no stage did I feel it was tough, I just ran at an nice pace, didn't try to catch anyone or push myself until the final 100 metres and achieved 7:45 pace without really breaking sweat. Unfortunately, though, this started the doubts about marathon training: why was I pushing myself at training for a distance at which I struggle when I'd love to be thrashing around a parkrun every Saturday seeing how close to 20 minutes I could get?
And then today was supposed to be 16 miles with the final ten at marathon pace. The build up miles were fine but after only four of the marathon paced effort I was finished mentally. Building upon my pining for fast parkruns from yesterday, I just kept thinking about how much I enjoy half-marathons. Halves are undoubtedly my favourite distance; far enough to be challenging and yet short enough to allow a full-on effort for the whole race. And yet here I was flogging myself for what? As soon as that negativity began circulating through my mind the session was effectively over. I gave up on keeping marathon pace and resolved to just get to 16 miles. Within a couple of miles that seemed pointless and so I headed home three miles short of my original target. Sub four hours at Munich seems a long way off if I can't even bring myself to finish a 16 mile training run. I know today's aim was achievable physically but I also need my mind to commit to the target if I'm to get anywhere and that seems a bit of a problem at the moment.
The next week of training is a bit unusual in that I have another Enigma double marathon booked in for the weekend, so I will get through that and see where I am mentally. I'm really not sure whether to continue jogging round marathons enjoying the social side, giving up all ideas of achieving certain time goals and concentrating on seeing how quick I can get a shorter distances, or whether to push myself to see where I can get to with the 26.2.
A brief history of my marathon running prior to the Enigma double:
14th April 2002 London 5:04:57
- Gained a place unexpectedly and had very little preparation - hated it and swore never to run one again. It took ten years to forget the promise to myself. #1 completed
29th April 2012 Milton Keynes- dns
13th May 2012 Halstead 4:08:22
- Hastily booked replacement for MK. On target to beat four hours until mile 22 when my legs and head both gave up - not enjoyable. #2 completed
9th June 2012 South Downs 4:47:10
- My first trail marathon - lovely views but the hills and terrain exhausted me. #3 completed
23rd June 2012 Trail Marathon Wales 5:05:30
- Far tougher than South Downs but I loved it - finished feeling strong and with a smile on my face. #4 completed
21st July 2012 Ilmington 6:04:35
- Self-navigated, informal and fun. #5 completed
12th August 2012 Salisbury 5-4-3-2-1 50k 6:16:18
- My first ultra. Uncomfortable. #6 completed
1st September 2012 Kennet & Avon Canal race (56 miles) 12:26:21
- My first time over 50 miles. Hated it so much I gave up running for good, though later changed my mind, obviously! #7 completed
6th October 2012 Reverse Enigma 4:45:23
- Decided to attempt a sub four hour time. Okay until halfway at which point my energy had gone. Hadn't fully recovered from the 56 mile event. #8 completed
21st October 2012 Abingdon 4:43:32
- Ran out of steam at halfway again. #9 completed
26th October 2012 Woolwich Foot Tunnel 4:25:19
- A quirky race which started beneath the River Thames and resulted in my first negative split. Fastest miles were the last three and it felt great. #10 completed
1st December 2012 Saxon Shore -
dnf
- Over-training had resulted in achilles problems and I shouldn't have started the race, pulled out at halfway as I could barely walk.
8th December 2012 Broadmeadow day one - dns
9th December 2012 Broadmeadow day two - dns
12th December 2012 Enigma Dirty Dozen - dns
23rd December 2012 Portsmouth Coastal - dns
5th January 2013 Winter Enigma day one - dns
6th January 2013 Winter Enigma day two - dns
- I was unable to start any of these due to continuing heel problems, paying the price for failing to rest enough the previous autumn.
29th March 2013 Good Friday Enigma 5:08:53
- First one back after injury, I wasn't fit enough and really struggled. #11 completed
7th April 2013 Paris 4:38:12
- Struggled for the first half and then everything clicked. Official figures show that I overtook more than 5,000 runners in the second half, only missing a negative split by one minute. Encouraging! Passed out on the metro afterwards. #12 completed
21st April 2013 Hamburg 4:28:48
- A steady first 18 miles and then stepped up to nine minute mile pace, negative splitting by 12 minutes. The strongest I'd ever felt finishing a marathon. #13 completed
1st June 2013 Kent Roadrunner 4:18:01
- Another attempt to get under four hours. Started too fast and paid the price, jog/walked the final miles when it became clear I wouldn't achieve the time. #14 completed
22nd June 2013 Trail Marathon Wales 6:11:28
- A return to my favourite event, heavier and less fit than last time it really tested me, a struggle but I finished. #15 completed
29th June 2013 Giant's Head 6:10:19
- Another hilly, hot one which turned out to be close to 28 miles. #16 completed
I'm really not sure what possessed me to enter a marathon and a 30 mile ultra on the same day along with a further marathon the following morning, particularly as I'd never even attempted a double before. Successive weeks, yes, but never successive days. The Enigma Summer Festival throws up further challenges in that all three races comprise laps of the same lake, albeit with a change of direction for the second day. However, sign up for it I did, and last weekend had to face the consequences of my own stupidity.
Marathon number one for the weekend started at 8am in order to allow time for all to complete the run before the ultra set off at 2.30pm. By the time we gathered for the race briefing the sun was already strong and it was clear that this was going to be a very hot day. My initial plan was to think of the day as a whole; one run of 15 laps with a break rather than seven laps followed by a further eight. Consequently I set off at a fairly conservative pace and started counting down the laps from 15, constantly reminding myself that this would be a long, hot trial of endurance.
Passing the finish area every three-and-a-half miles or so allows a regular stop for drinks and nutrition as well as a chance to mentally regroup for the next lap. For the first three full laps everything was fine, I was comfortable in my strategy and pacing, however, by the end of the fourth lap my old enemy self-doubt had started tapping on my shoulder. The downside of passing through the finishing area so regularly is that the idea of getting back out on the trail becomes increasingly unappealing. Only 15 miles into an anticipated 56 for the day and the sun was already scorching away my resolve. The thought of slogging through the heat until sunset was becoming worryingly daunting.
I don't ever run with music, however, in anticipation of the ultra I had borrowed an Ipod thinking that this might take my mind off the suffering of that event. In the circumstances I decided to use the device immediately to see if it would improve my mindset. Running at this point didn't feel right so I accepted that a lap hiked at a decent rate would be fine as I had another 40 miles to endure. One walking lap became two and running seemed impossible. The voice of self-doubt became ever louder. The usual things: 'You're no marathon runner', it taunts, 'why do you continue to embarrass yourself? Everyone can see you don't deserve to be here. Did you really think you could do the ultra too? What an utter fool you are!' At this point the track Daddy's Gone by Glasvegas started to play. I always find this an emotional song and the tears started, I was glad I had the shades on and it was only a few seconds before I had composed myself but it was at that point that I decided not to start the afternoon's event. It was a decision which did not lighten my mood and I trudged on trying to ignore the delight of old self-doubt.
It's worth pointing out that there was nothing but support from all involved in the event and that these negative voices were completely within my own head. One of the challenges of marathon running that intrigues me so much is the extent to which the mind controls the whole thing and my battle with these personal demons which are always lurking. I never know whether I'll overcome them from one race to the next and it's always interesting to look back and pick out the points at which battles are won or lost.
Towards the end of lap six I spotted my partner Mandy sat on a bench pointing a camera at me. Suddenly the weight of my disappointment lifted and I started a sprint to where she was sitting, took a few seconds with her on the bench and then trotted on the 200 metres or so to the finish area. I arrived there chatting with another runner who at that point happened to say hello to the very talented marathon runner Steve Edwards who had, of course, long finished. We had a quick few words with him during the course of which he confirmed that he had found it tough in the heat and how much harder than usual he'd had to work. Now I know endurance running is tough in the heat from my own experience, but to hear someone of that stature state it at that time completely altered my mental state. Freed of the self-doubt and having made a firm decision about an afternoon 'dns' I started my final lap a changed man. I reeled off my two fastest miles of the race with surprising ease and came home in 5:07:43.
Most people I spoke with who were entered for all three of the weekend's events had decided it was too hot for the ultra and were going to sit it out. Others were going to start and see how the first lap went. I found this reassuring and it was with huge respect for those who had just completed the marathon that I watched the start of the ultra. To go back out running that same lap in the afternoon heat showed mental and physical resolve that was beyond my capability at that juncture.
Back at the hotel soaking in the bath I planned my strategy for the following day. I had no idea how a second marathon in two days would affect me but I was expecting the legs to find it tougher than usual for the final third of the race. I felt that thinking in terms of laps left to run had been the wrong idea, it had felt overwhelming and that to break it up into smaller chunks would seem less daunting, accordingly I resolved to go with a run two miles/walk one mile approach and see how far into the 26.2 that got me.
I was pleased with how my legs felt on the Sunday morning and switching shoes from my usual Mizunos to the extra padding of Hokas felt good. My 2:1 run/walk strategy felt fine and I was happy to let the majority of the field disappear ahead during my third mile. This approach felt easy through the first 15 miles, by which time I had started to pass fellow runners fairly regularly. The three mile phases through to 18 miles and then 21 miles, however, started to feel increasingly difficult and I became very aware of the oppressive heat which, if anything, was more intense than the previous day. From that point I jogged and then walked alternate miles and was able to finish comfortably ahead of the previous day's time in 4:53:54.
So there you have it: double and quit. My first double successfully negotiated but slightly marred by the fact that I quit the ultra, failing even to have the mental toughness to start and see how it went. Yes, there was the heat and the fact that I'd never attempted a double before but six impressive and brave individuals overcame the conditions to complete all three events and that took more than I was able to give at that point.
I learned that I am able to get through a double without completely knackering myself and reminded myself that breaking a marathon up into small chunks focuses me more effectively than allowing the enormity of the task to overwhelm any positivity. The most important lesson, however, was that taught by the actions of the six who completed all of the events. I was scared, I think, in the final analysis. Not so much that I might fail, but that I might break myself in some way. Those six ignored all such misgivings and had the guts and tenacity to achieve something for which they have my complete admiration.
6th July 2013 Summer Enigma day one 5:07:43 #17
7th July 2013 Summer Enigma day two 4:53:54 #18
